About two weeks before Benjamin was born, I was really digging deep into my spiritual self. Since his birth, over a month and a half ago, I’ve fallen out of the routine I had just set up with myself to dig into His word and seek His guidance. Motherhood has been nothing short of overwhelming, but I know nothing should be keeping me from pursuing that relationship.
A few weeks ago we went home for a weekend, and while traveling Benjamin decided he was hungry. We stopped at a rest stop on the Turnpike and I began feeding him. That’s when a terrible thunderstorm began hammering down on us. The rain, hunger, and other factors made him so upset nothing could calm him, and I broke down bawling with him. That was the worst experience of my short go at Motherhood. After what seemed like an eternity (it was probably an hour) we got back on the road and I sat in the back seat with Benjamin, in case he got upset again, with tears rolling down my face.
I have to tell you that after the storm clouds cleared away, God painted the most beautiful picture in the sky that evening. I was tempted to take a picture but decided against it. I like to think that God painted that just for me, to remind me that I’m His daughter and He always provides for me. Just about that time, Seth put on the song Broken Vessels by Hillsong Worship.
One part of the song’s lyrics read:
Oh I can see You now
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes
Laying Yourself down
Raising up the broken to life
These lyrics rang through my heart as I looked at the painted sky. I put my finger in Benjamin’s little hand and he squeezed it (which he doesn’t often do) for the rest of the trip home. The tears were really rolling now. Not only could I see how much He loved me by the beauty in that sky, I could feel Him pulling back together the pieces of my broken heart.
I say all this to point out that I need Jesus.
Nothing in this world can fill the hole in your heart that longs for something more.
Nothing in this world can heal your heart but the love of Jesus Christ.
I needed that reminder that night. I need that reminder every day. My human nature makes me think I have to hold myself together as a mother. But it’s so obvious that I can’t be the Godly mother I want to be without God.
God is so, so good. He heals my wounded heart. He has shown me His love in the smiles that my Sweet Benjamin has just begun to figure out how to form across his tiny cheeks. He also shows me love by letting him sleep almost through the night, and somehow the little peanut has managed to learn to roll over already. He has blessed me with the most incredible little boy who I get to care for and love every single day.
I ask you to pray for my heart, that it continues to recover as new motherhood is challenging. Also, pray for those who are about to be new mothers that you know. It’s hard and it’s a constant battle to remember that you are worth so much, your efforts will be rewarded, and it will get easier. Again I will continue to proclaim that God is so good.